Everything

Everything's not terrible. But Everything's confusing. I feel like, outside forces have been controlling my life. And it's time for me to take back control. I don't want people making decisions for me. Or making decisions that affect me greatly without talking to ma about them. I can't trust people who think they're only acting in my best interest without actually asking me what that is. I'm taking my life back. I need to be happy on my own terms. I can't let anyone or anything else dictate what my happiness is. Because they don't know. I'm the only one who can decide that.

And just like that

It's gone. Optimism, happiness, all of it. I just want to go home.

When did your heart go missing?

Yesterday night made up for my irritability and sadness and all of those symptoms that those commercials with the hopping lumps try to warn you about. To my surprise, one of my friends was actually willing to go to dinner and a movie, after which we just hung out. It was a nice change to the past few days where I've felt a bit ignored, especially for a certain computer game. I was blissfully happy last night. And it's made me optimistic again. So, even though I've got a paper and a midterm tomorrow and three interviews due tuesday, I'm not too worried about it. I think things are going to be okay.

here.

My life is kind of a mess right now. I'd like to be home. Anywhere but here.

This is life.

I need a boy like you like a hole in my head

Last post was what I want to do this summer. And this post is more of the same.
This summer I want to:

• Learn how to sew actual clothes. My sister gave me a sewing book for my birthday last year and I think maybe this summer I'll actually use it.
  
• Knit more. I want to learn how to knit fingerless gloves. And then make myself like twelve pairs in every different color.
  
• Be generally more crafty.
  
• Read more. I feel like I rarely read for pleasure anymore, and I'd really like to just sit down with some good books this summer.
• Organize my room and closet. I need to figure out what I really really don't wear anymore and get rid of it. I also want to catalog all my clothes. Perhaps in a book. It would be a huge undertaking, but I think it would be worth it. Then I would know exactly what I have both at school and home, and actually be able to specifically request things.
• I want to shop, but shop purposefully. I feel like I need to only shop when I need things, or at least have something in specific in mind when I go shopping. I think it would help me save money.
• Write every day.
  
• Take more pictures. Every day since it's gotten nice out I walk down Sheridan and want to take pictures of the flowers and the trees and the general beauty of campus. And every time I realize that my camera is in my room. Because I don't have journalism classes this quarter.
  

Crimson and Clover...over and over

Today in our semi-regular post-midnight google maps perusal, we were looking at the route that a road trip would take us on from Illinois to Texas. We're seriously considering making the trek as part of an end of summer visit to the one who lives in Dallas. As summer draws closer, I've been thinking about what I want to do with my summer. I'd like to work, definitely. I'd really like to actually make some money. And I've been applying for job after job, hoping that at some point, I'll finally get a call or an email telling me that I can have a job. That I can be gainfully employed.
But I don't just want to work this summer. I want to see new things and go new places, even if they're close to home. I want to go to the Newseum. I feel like it's my duty, as a journalist. I want to go to new stores and new restaurants. I want to go to Dumbarton Oaks and see the gardens. I want to have a picnic with my friends. I definitely want a tea party.
I want to be happy. And I think I will be. Sure, I'll probably miss the people who I've shared my freshman year with. But I'll see them in September, if not sooner. But I don't think I'll miss them as much as I miss my family right now.
My heart ached on Sunday, calling my mother, wishing I could be there. In that call, I missed her the most I have all year. It was the combination - mother's day and the fact that it's nearing the end of the year and all my friends from home are either there or taking their finals. I'm not there yet. I still have a month. And I know that when that month is up I'll be sad to go. But I also know that when I see my family I'll be happier than I have been for a long time.

I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go

I guess I'm just in sort of a thinking about clothes mood. So, here's what's going on.
Things that I just can't get behind:
jumpsuits: For one thing, they're really not flattering on very many people. They're basically like overalls. Except harder to get out of when you really need to pee.
tights/leggings as pants: Things that count as coverings for your crotch/butt area in public: pants, shorts, a skirt, even a really long shirt. But not tights. Or leggings. Seriously, every time I see that and it's not because someone was just exercising (or about to) I just want to run up to them, tell them to put on some real pants, and run away. But maybe I'm just really weird.
pre-distressed jeans: Why? Why spend so much money to look like you have old jeans? If it's in style at least take an old pair of jeans and distress them yourself. I feel like pre-distressed jeans just seem like they're trying too hard.
Open toed boots: This is just a matter of ugliness. I mean, I suppose they're not the ugliest things I've ever seen, I even don't mind some of them (Reference Jane on Sea of Shoes for that one) but in general, they just...I don't know, I feel like it defeats the purpose of wearing boots. Like, your ankles are cold enough that they need covering, but your toes need to be exposed. I mean, I know boots aren't worn just for warmth, but still. It boggles the mind.
There was something else I was going to add, but I forget what it was. Oh wells.

Believe In Me, Help Me Believe In Anything

It has finally gotten to that point in the year where it just stays warm. And I'm thankful for it, because I was getting tired of the fluctuations in temperature. I'm tired of a lot of things: I'm tired of waiting for the year to be over, or perhaps already tired of waiting for it to begin again. I'm tired of the dust on my bookshelf, but every time I see it I'm too lazy to clean it. I'm tired of the mess on my side of the room, but I'll take care of that this weekend. I'm tired of work and I'm tired of playing second (which means nothing and everything at the same time). I'm tired of waiting for things to happen, tired of boring life. But I'm loving things too. I'm loving the newly green trees and the tulips in bloom and things getting back to looking the way they did when I fell in love with this place. I'm loving the warmth, I'm loving affection. But I love nobody, or the people I truly love are far away. My roommate is going home this weekend and I envy her. I wish I could go home, see my parents, see my friends who are already home for the summer. I wish a lot of things... if only some of them would come true.